Kay

Photo Credits:Danny O'Connor

"Next! Neext!, Hey my friend! will you move it, you think we have all day eh? Hurry up and look for your seat!" The big WOMAN standing in front of the examination hall had made it her business to ensure that the whole ID screening process was as tense as possible. She was burly, austere in the face and she was using it to her advantage. The girls were scared. Kay was fifth in line. To say, she was nervous would not begin to describe it. She was afraid that her nausea would take over;she was struggling to walk straight. "I have to make it through this paper" She kept reminding herself. She knew she would ace it, if only she could keep her head from swimming. Unconsciously her hand went to the small bump  on her belly that was steadily growing. The thought of  new life developing inside her made warmed her. "Hey! are you alright"? the burly WOMAN asked. Suddenly Kay was before the giant WOMAN. Clothes damp with sweat, she nodded quickly in response to the question. "Speak up!" the WOMAN commanded. "I'm..I'm... oo.." Before she could complete her sentence, she doubled over, liquid spewing out  of her like a fountain;she could not hold it in. She was blind with dizziness. Surely soon after, she felt hands holding her up,. "Take her away! She's not ready for this, she will never be..!" those were the last words she heard the burly WOMAN call out, as she was dragged away from the hall

"Kay...KAY..!" Nana's sharp voice cut through Kay's slumber like a slap.. "Mtcheww!... I gotta get a lock on this door.. She murmured to herself. "What!.." She called back as she jolted back to this new reality. It took her a moment to realize  where she was and what time it was. Her hands, she saw, were slack with a bolt pen that was hanging between her thumb and forefinger. She was sweating again. It was the same dream she had been having for the last weeks. it was more regular than it had ever been

Nana's rude voice kept invading her head. "Please, Please tell me your husband gave you some good loving with Adult music playing in the background last night. It has to be the only reason you're in the office at 10.00 am sleeping" She had her hand on her waist,posed in the doorway, files in the other with an expectant look on her face.

Nana was more of a friend than her secretary. "She just doesn't know when to stop", Kay thought to herself, irritably.Kay, who had blanked out for all of five minutes, blinked and said, "He didn't".

 The fact that Kwame was not home last night dawned on her as she said it. At first she did not think it unusual since Kwame worked with a film production company. That meant there were peak seasons that kept him out of the house at irregular hours. Although... she thought to herself. She quickly forced down the dark thoughts that were threatening to consume her. Her defeated tone changed Nana's her disapproving look to one of concern. Smart enough to give her time to recover from her disoriented demeanour, Nana turned toward the wide-wood door frame and said flippantly to Kay, "You know we have a meeting on  the Ababio closing n fifteen minutes right?"

"Yeah yeah.. take the lead, I will catch up in a bit" Kay said gathering her files off the table. Her mind was lingering. Memories of the quiet waves that were rocking her marriage flooded her mind.
Lately it had been tough; getting a promotion at the Aboagye &Associates, was supposed to be a blessing.  Kwame's job meant that money had its high's and lows depending on when there was  a project to do. Kay didn't mind because her career as a lawyer was setting off and as a couple, they could finally pay up for the house they had been saving up to buy. Childbirth had been put on hold until they were sure they could afford it but Kay's work hours dimmed the idea even more. Her hand went to her tummy again "How long has it been now..?, She wondered. "She would have been six today..." She shook her head violently as though the action would erase the thought.

No..There just was no time for a family; no time for her man even. How could she cut back now when she was handling the case that could make or break her career?  She hated it; the drift it was bringing yet she had no idea what to do about it. She could not remember the last decent meal she cooked for him. She was embarrassed to think of the sex.. The sex was.. well.

Kwame said he understood. He said he understood, she told herself emphatically so she could believe it too.. Kwame had always given her room to grow.He was her support system. Perhaps it was his ability to see in the abstract. He had this devil-may-care attitude to taking risks. He would always urge her on. She would not have made this far. She knew that to be true. Her confidence, her will to live, to go back to school, to start over.. It had been Kwame. He had given her so much. Who was she to ask for more? But she could feel the change. Things were not the same.
He said he understood,  She didn't believe it and she could do nothing about it now... She stood, halting at the door way of the conference room, her mind, miles and miles away. She needed a friend. It was time to talk to Babs...

Adwoa

                                                   

Adwoa had no business being here.. It was late and she was walking a drunk man she hardly knew to his residence... Apart from the the fact that he was heavy and he smelled of fried fish and beer, her high heels had become almost unbearable to walk in.. Just my luck, she thought.. I'll kill Babs for this.

That's why she never did hook ups. The pretence was heavy and silly.. Never mind that she had been sexless for three years . It is my choice! Her own thoughts screamed at her..

Even if it wasn't, it was much better than being saddled with a heavy set drunk who could barely string two words together.. And was he..?

"Hey.. Hey! Are you- oh shit! For the love of God!, she yelled as the man that hung over keeled over with vomit on the side walk. There was no version of life a date could go this wrong. 

No version at all. 

Why did she agree to this hook up? She never did hook-ups. Simply a waste of an evening if you ask me, I could be home catching up on Scandal... Better way to spend my Friday night.she thought.

"I'm..I'm sorry.." he managed to say.. choking on his words. Looking on helplessly it was easy to tell that the man was tired  "i think i need to sit a minute", he said sounding weaker, but clearly.
"Ok, I know our date was brief, but uhm...where you already drunk before you came? Because this is just.. i mean.. we are standing outside your apartment. It is freezing cold out here,"
In all of her six years of living in America, Adwoa could still not get used to the Cold. How impersonal and callous it felt. The cold cared not if she was unhappy,angry, lonely. it blew right through the soul and around it. Everyone walked briskly by in the streets pulling their coats tighter around them in a hopeless effort to keep in the warmth they thought existed. No one looked up to smile or ask how your days went. Why would they? the emptiness of it all made her colder inside. on days like this she would normal turn on her ipod;play Daddy Lumba or Kojo Antwi on her way from work. It was made her smile how familiar it felt. Like she was back at home.
  They  were all so very proud of her two degrees, her galls to start an on-line business that was doing quite well,a apartment and some okay friends. Okay friends who had decided to hook her up with a complete drunk on a Friday night. 

She thought angrily, "This is the last time I'm doing this"

"If you leave I will completely understand.." A deep voice caused Adwoa to start. His voice was throaty and low. He sounded as tired as she felt.  It was her date. He was still crouched on the side walk. It was clear he was refusing to look at her. He sounded firm. His voice compelled Adwoa to listen. It made her still.

"This isn't exactly my best night" he continued. " Let's go in ill call you a cab"

"What? I can't-" she started. No matter how compelling he sounded,she was most certainly not about to follow him into his house.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I know I'm literally a stranger, but considering how I am all over the place.." He gestured, pointing his ruffled up look,"there is hardly a chance of  anything happening."

He somehow managed to look at her with a bored and expectant look. "Well?" We can't stand here forever."

Babs

"What? No No no no no, no, you said that the last time, Kwame, no, NO you are not going to do this to me.!  I have already made reservations, this is very last minute! She what? So cancel i dont care, you will not leave me hanging tonight, not again! God! why do I put up with your shit? Argh!. If Kwame was the giant glass door way at the office entrance right now, she knew her yelling would have him cracked in a million non-recognizable pieces.  She banged the phone in its set several times  until it broke her well-manicured nail. She only managed to topple it over the office glass table and onto the floor.  She screamed some more... until her screams become hardly audible sobs. She didn't care if there was anybody in office that could hear her. She just didn't care. In any case it was well past  working hours, there couldn't be anyone significant around.  She felt strength seep out of her very soul, with every strangled cry "I can't.. I just can't..." She felt despair, helplessness as she sank to the Gray carpeted floor of her  office.

Through her tears and  mascara stained face, she looked round her office.. the pictures of her laughing with college  friends which were on the shelf, whom now seem to belong to a faint somewhat happy time in an old story. this was peculiar since she finished college just three years ago....
"Barbara smile for the cameras! it's your last day in college!" the chatter, the love, the hope, yes the hope... it was all they held on to.. there was a mixture of fear and excitement, that came with the thrills of the unknown. Who would be the first to marry? who would have the high earning job? the richest, the weakest, the famous?

Barbara was just as motivated and ready.. She had a lot to prove.  Being the first to get to college without a baby or two in the way. Mama.. well, her mother didn't think much of her.. As far as as she was concerned,  Barbara... or Babs ( she hated that name) thought too highly of herself. Just like her father.. Babs knew her mother would have been happier if her daughter had  messed up just a little bit. Caused a few more riots, had a few abortions, drank too much, smoked a John once in a while, anything... a little struggle that would have remotely reminded her that she was indeed her own blood..Sadly all her mother saw was a stranger when she looked at Babs. Although there was love, but she felt more disdain. How perfect Babs was.. Barbera always seemed to have it all  together. Never a strand of hair out of place. She never lost her cool, just like the upright never-could-do-no-wrong Colonel Kusi.. the man she loved, but never was worthy of.. Barbara's father... well mum, she thought ruefully, a grim smile on her wet face, guess we are alike after all...

She was LOSING it. It was all because of this MAN.

Here she was, three years down the line, in love with a man that was not hers. Disgust could not begin to describe the turmoil that brewed in her every night.  Every night, when he took her.. on the office table, in women's bathroom, in her car,everywhere. Did it matter? Did it matter that he did not belong to her? Should it not matter that she was in love. Was she to apologise for that?. She knew these defiant thoughts were only fuelled by the anger that was caused by her loneliness. Kwame's warmth lasted only for a while. It was priceless but short-lived. It could not be contained no matter how hard she tried.
She sighed, feeling very tired.  She knew she should have never accepted the job.but Kay insisted. "She always insists.. why does she do that shit?" 

The whistling of the wind, a rustle of the leaves from the opened window behind her desk, shook her from her deep thoughts. she was suddenly aware again of her tear-stained face and her crouched body on the office carpet floor..Everyone had left. She didn't want to move but she knew she had to get home....

Marriage Frenzy - a miscalculated step?

My friend told me the funniest story. She called a friend to tell her about her wedding plans.  Before she could get it into it, after pleasantries was exchanged, her friend chipped in “madam, I hope you are not about to tell me you are getting married?”  According to my friend, the other person on the phone sounded scared actually. Like she could not contain on more call if it was about a wedding.

Well it is needless to say that stopped my friend right in her tracks; the conversation went in a completely different direction. The rest of the conversation was clearly going to be insincere and awkward.

I thought it was comical but the truth is many young women are tired of being called on the phone to hear that five or ten friends of yours are getting married. At a point you are getting tired of screaming congratulations like you are a banshee.

The frenzy to get married these days is so overwhelming; a woman can barely stop to REALLY think about how ready we are for marriage. Getting caught up in the hype is too easy and quite contagious. While you would be happy for your friends, you somehow become wistful, wondering when it’s going to happen for you.

The truth is not many of us really stop to ask ourselves whether we are ready to be married or cut out for marriage at all. Many young women these days, married or not, fail to put ourselves outside the marriage box to really assess  who we are as women and what it entails to live with another in that bare-it-all sacrificial type of setting for the rest of your life.

How many of us are really ready to share ourselves endlessly with another? How many people are ready to live that non-stop cycle that, with all things being equal, includes this permanent yet separate entity in your life that is your husband?

I would not say that this self-evaluation is the key ingredient that is missing in so many deteriorating marriages, but the truth is many young women are going in to this thing with an insincere version of themselves and their capabilities. This in turn hurts us and hurts our spouses. Three years in, and young couples are seriously considering divorce. Currently unmarried, it would be such a shame to me if I did so eventually and realized that I waited this long to be in a marriage where I could not be myself completely.

I am not an expert when it comes to marriages, much less relationships. I really don’t presume to know much. I do seem to notice however that both women and men are the least happy when they sense a lack of freedom and there is no opportunity to be themselves for each other and themselves.

There are a few questions we must ask ourselves before we even allow ourselves to go crazy about marriage. Yes MARRIAGE not Weddings.

Do I know who I am?

Before we can live peacefully with another, it is fair to give ourselves a fair assessment. How do you rate yourself in all aspects of your life? Is your career a major precedent in your life, how do you feel about children, your patience, what are your views with regards to your role as a wife or a partner. Ask yourself hard hitting questions you would normally avoid and try to give yourself honest answers. In a sense this would give you an idea of what your strengths and short comings are.

Why do you want to be married?

Is it to fulfill a natural passage rite of your nature as a woman? In other words, do you want to get married because it is that time now? Do you want to marry because it provides you with security? Will ensure that you do not stick out as the odd one? Is primarily for children?

Is being married more about him or you?

It would be sad to chase marriage just because you are the party that wants it. If you are not on the same page on the subject, it is best to weigh what your partners reasons are for waiting? Are they legit reasons that you can understand or are they questionable? If you feel your partner is giving reasons that are not satisfactory, do you have the courage to walk and start over or it means more compromise?

Where does love fall in your relationship?

Are you even in love? I realized that when a couple is in love, the idea of marriage comes naturally however couples approach it in a more relaxed fashion. Couples like these enjoy the journey that actually leads to matrimony. On the flipside, if you have a specific reason for your partner aside genuine affection, there is a good chance of it deteriorating since either party does not have the interest of the other at heart.

Little girl

"how do you start from the beginning when you are already at the end?"

I saw a glimpse of her this morning as I stepped out of the bath. I don't think she meant for me to catch her. She wasn't looking for me, really.  she passed as a quickly as she came.

in that second i saw her ,She was smiling and hiding in some mischievous way.. Like she had caught up with me before I caught up with her.. So i turn to look again.; i lit up when i saw her. She was so young, humming to herself as though it brought her more joy than anything to just hum. She looked ready and eager for whatever she was setting out to do. at the same time i could see contentment and confusion. Her puzzlement was directed at me. It was as a result of what she saw on me i believe, although i am not sure...
I realised i knew her. She was someone i knew

Love express... HOZIER

 Now i heard this song sometime last week, i had no idea who Hozier was. Otherwise known as
Andrew Hozier-Byrne, this irish singer-songwriter's haunting feel to his music puts him right up there with some of my recent favorites  like Sia, Sam Smith and James Blake. Now i am sure i am like most people. Meaning it is  likely the tune, beat or rhythm of a song is what draws us firstly; way before we bother with what they are saying. This was quite different for me for some reason. Firstly i thought the title was catchy and i was intrigued.
Hozier's voice is very appropriate for the message too. Deep and arresting
Now the lyrics here y'all!! Oh people i think they were divine!. Its edgy, witty, depressingly beautiful and raw in describing that sweet despair, we call love.Love in all its forms. Love which should transcend into everything but really doesn't. 

For me,  i think this song tells me to have enough love to accept all things, even that which i cannot understand. Yes that one we all get caught up in that don't we?. So i thought i would shut up and share instead.   Love it! I hope you do too

  "Take Me To Church" - Hozier

My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshiped her sooner

If the Heavens ever did speak
She is the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

'We were born sick,' you heard them say it

My church offers no absolution
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen


Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

To drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

No masters or kings
When the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean
Amen. Amen. Amen

Giving up

Giving up isn't as easy as it seems.It's so deceptive isn't it? It blurs out all the other options, making it difficult to hear those faint voices of laughter that call out to you.  Waiting to show themselves if you would look harder. Giving up always looks taller; Standing alone, beckoning you, you the beaten drained gaunt looking contender; beckoning you deceiving, telling you your course been run; waiting to comfort you; perpetually in grief and sorrow, tears your drink, despair your feed...

It is a sad thing to see; you becoming something painful within and without. You are not you. You are lifeless. A thing outside itself.

Outside itself because the real you still had mileage left.some fire left.

I wish you well. I wish you break open from the gray. I wish you sustenance and hope.. For outside the gray is LIFE in ABUNDANCE