Checking up on God

I find myself writing out my prayers to God, rather than speaking them. My little sister says its like pretending my diary is God which also means I am too old to be doing that. Whatever. What the hell does she know?

Really, it’s a very comfortable and less intimidating way of speaking to Him because it's as though I am talking to a friend, a father or a shrink; which is what He really is. Only that I happen to believe that unlike a shrink, he DOES something about your problems. I am fully aware of his supremeness and his awesome glorious existence. Oh  and the fact that he does give a shit about me which explains my continued existence. Others call it GRACE.

 So yes, I do prefer writing to him rather than speaking visibly to him. I believe it also makes up for every single time I lapse in the frequency of my prayers.

Trust me it’s kind of awkward explaining while praying (speaking), why you haven’t prayed in a long time. Regardless, I believe He hears me.

These days however, I begin to wonder, as I write my needs and wants to Him, Does anyone ever check up on God? Before anything , you all should know this isn’t some crazy Christian fanatic trying to admonish  fellow Christians on some bright idea I just had. This is as random as it can get. Just a thought.

So it was a cool autumn night and I was wrapped up in my quilt (does anyone use that word anymore?) with a cup of coffee and – No, scratch that, I was actually at work, writing in my journal to God  on a Monday morning with the actual purpose of tuning out the incomprehensible Turkish noise by my colleagues and the conversations I couldn't take part in. (most of their conversations are about how polite i am for a black person) I’ll talk about that later.

So I was pouring out my thoughts which usually take the same form; how bored I am, how living in  Turkey isn’t for me, how in love I am with a man in uniform who, like every other guy above 25, has issues… how I want to go back to school but I have no money, and how I will soon be turning 26 with no visible token of achievement… you know, stuff like that.

And as I did this, a small cold mechanical voice said to me “Afia Kwakyewaa, you really need to shut up now.” I stopped writing suddenly, sighed and stared into space. Then I said out loud “God must be really tired of me now, I wonder what he’s doing?”

When I picked up the pen again, the first thing I wrote was “Are you OK, God? Is it a great time to talk? Are you busy with other requests or are you having a bad day like me?  I guess its probable that you hate Mondays just like your creation right?"

I mean, really, does anybody think about how God is doing? Perhaps he goes on vacations like the rest of us because he is tired of listening to us whine all day? Does he say to his angel secretaries “ Look cancel all my appointments  for the next century, i need a breather"

Suddenly as bizarre as it sounds, I began to worry about God. I wish I could see Him and ask Him if he needed anything; Perhaps a glass of water, a warm blanket, or simply some SPACE. I began to feel a motherly concern about the Entity that is my Creator. Have I been giving Him a hard time lately? Or all my life?

I wondered if he was emotionally drained and felt unappreciated. Had he thought to himself, “What IS this??” I felt like giving him a big hug and telling him that I understood. (Of course by this time I had been able to convince myself that God MUST be stressed out.)

If you are reading this now you probably think I should be on my way to a mental facility. I think so too. But you know the human thought process; once it starts to work, it’s hard to stop it.

For the first time since I learnt to pray I wanted to BE optimistic for GOD. I wanted to tell him that its normal to feel down sometimes; that all his aspirations and hopes for me and mankind would come true.

Now mind you,  I am always afraid to promise Him something because well…. Its obvious I worry I might not carry through with it. I mean I told myself after I broke up with my ex that sex would be only after I got married. (yes, you have all heard that before). I haven’t broken my promise yet however I KNOW I have already given it up a thousand times to this man in uniform I am seriously crushing on- in my head.  How do I make a promise to God then?

But on Monday, as I wrote my pathetic little tales to God, I knew I had to make a promise to my poor poor stressed out God. What was it going to be though? That I was not going to BOTHER him again with my impatient demands? That I was going to wait? That I was going to be a better person with a thankful and content heart? All that sounded great but I also know it was hard.

So I decided to be CONSIDERATE; like I would be in any relationship; with a friend, sister, lover, mother or father. I would be considerate; I would ease up a little. Allow him to de-stress and let him work it all out for me. I also promised to check up on HIM frequently, because i came to the conclusion that everyone deserves a break. Even God.