A-F-I-A

ME – What if they laugh?

HER – Of course they will laugh. Have you seen your legs in that dress? You look like you are about to fall off and leave your legs behind. Plus, you are too dark. Wear something darker, you will blend in that way. And no one will see you.

ME – What if I choke? I speak really fast you know. The words can get all clogged up in my throat, they won’t come out.

HER- Well, that’s what I have been telling you this whole time. Let’s just go home, TV’s for the pros. Let’s stop by that restaurant, get some food, eat and sleep. This isn't for you.

ME – This is all I have, if they don’t pick me I am screwed. It’s been three months already and they haven’t called. I knew it was a mistake.

HER – Well your second choice was good too. I mean hey… If I were you, I would call them to prepare a place for you. Oh wait... I… AM… you.  Call them!

ME – I can’t be here with him. It’s not real. He’ll lie, I’ll cry and it’ll be over.

HER - I couldn't have put it better myself. HAHAHAHHAAH!!

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Sigh… It used to be a little thought… I could have easily dismissed it… No bigger than a cigarette smoke. But it was strong, oh so strong, I could smell it and when I did, it took all of me. It filled my body, it went down to my toes first and then it rose. It came up into my heart and then my throat. It stayed there for a bit. It was throbbing and heavy. It filled my eyes with tears. So I COUGHED it out and somehow I breathed LIFE into it. It took shape.  It took… ME. She was dark like me but scaly and dirty. She had my mouth but it was curled in a nasty, oh so nasty grin. She had my eyes, but they mocked me. She had my hands and legs. And it began to walk with me. It never stopped walking with me.

She would tell me things, you know. Things I couldn't do. EVERYDAY.  She was always telling me things I couldn't do. Why I couldn't do them. Why I would never ACTUALLY do them. She would hit me. She would laugh at me. She HAD me. And I trusted her. I believed her.  

She would say my name A-F-I-A in a hoarse whisper. Only it wasn't my name. It was more like A- FI-YA?  A FEAR?  My fear?

 She was always there, when I woke up; but never when I went to sleep… because there, I lived in DREAMS.  OOOH those dreams… She wasn't there. There was too much LIGHT there. Too much COLOR  And there… I was AWESOME. I could do anything, BE anyone. There she couldn't SPEAK and  I couldn't HEAR her. She wasn't loud enough. 

So this morning, I woke up with a little thought… it was a remnant of a dream I had… No bigger than a white feather. Soft but good, oh so good, I could feel it and when I did, it took all of me. It filled my body. It went down to my toes and then it rose;  First into my heart and into my mouth.  When I open my mouth, it was a song and it was BEAUTIFUL. It looked just like ME. So I sang and sang and sang and sang……

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ME – I really can’t do this

HER – oh yes you can, baby, yes you CAN….