Reflections:Showing up

My mother came home one night from work, pretty happy.  She had been at a conference she had even given a speech at and she wanted to tell me all about it. I had been out of town with colleagues at work on one of those charity activities we do and I had gotten home not too long ago. I  was tired, I didn't feel like talking. My mood was pretty bad and her chirpy mood was irritating. All I wanted to do was eat, sleep and drag myself back to work the next day.

But there she was, in the kitchen with me while i was getting some food, droning on and on about how great her speech was and how everyone loved it. She wasn't even out of her work clothes yet.  In  the back of my mind, I knew she wasn't just sharing her news with me because she wanted me to be proud of her achievements, I also knew she had missed me because I hadn't been home much. I was working long hours and I hardly saw her. So for her, it was bonding time. Still, it didn't stop me from acting distant, giving monotonous answers and simply being dismissive.

For the next seven to ten minutes, my mother talked and talked. But i kept moving about the kitchen, going about my business and not really acknowledging her. She might have been talking to a tree and you wouldn't know it. I didn't notice it but when I got my head out of the fridge, she was gone.

The next day, as usual, I left home before everyone woke up. When I got home, I was told she had left for Kumasi. And although, I did not mind that she did not tell me she was travelling, I was annoyed by it. Not Hurt, ANNOYED. Where did she get off not telling us me what she was up to? When she came back, I didn't see her much. This wasn't unusual.

Until the first time I gave my first broadcast on air. I might chip in here that i was working at a radio station at the time and this was kind of a big deal for me. I was excited and I wanted to tell the one person who understood what that meant to me. After all, she had been to all my childhood plays and EVERY other important event in my life. She was my biggest cheerleader... and it wasn't time for her to RETIRE. Well I didn't find her immediately,  I found the second best person instead. My sister. It was good talking to her.  It just wasn't the same.

"Where is your mother?" I asked eventually. My sister looked at me like I was the most clueless person breathing. "Mummy's upset with you", she told me.

The funny thing was, I didn't feel particularly guilty for upsetting my mother. The way I saw it, she was, is and always would be my mother. I EXPECTED her to be there for me, SHARE with me my good and bad times. She couldn't be so upset that she would fail at being happy for me?? That just didn't sound right. I went to look for her.

I found her. In my room; Picking up stuff  i'd left on the floor. She looked at me beaming and smiling with pride when I told her. But she said nothing.  I took this as my cue to apologize for what had happened; And this is what she said:

 "Have you ever thought of running away and leaving all your problems behind? Well, I do too. A lot more than I show. I get tired, too. I get stressed too. And sometimes I don't want to speak to you or anyone, as well.  But when there are people you care about, you don't have the LUXURY of choosing when to SHOW UP and when to leave. So when I come home and I need my daughter, I expect you to SHOW UP. I expect you to TALK to me. I expect you to LISTEN to my nonsense.Whether you find it relevant or not.  LAUGH with me. TELL me you're PROUD of me EVEN when you are not feeling up to it. Because that's what BEING THERE for those you LOVE is all about. It is our responsibility to each other. LOVE isn't bliss, its hard work."

I'm still LEARNING how to LOVE. But I think that's a head start and I couldn't be more grateful.